Have you ever had something bad happen to someone close to you and you felt as if it was your fault, somehow in some way? You could have made a difference in it if you had only known? That gut feeling that you feel is guilt. Guilt has no mercy and it will devour you.
Back when I was younger ( I sound as if i’m really old) Something significant happened to someone very close to me. I don’t want to go into details because I don’t have the right to share her story without her permission. I can only share my side of the story, what I went through, and how I found forgiveness in myself.
At that time I was in a difficult situation myself but, I was there physically with her, I didn’t know, I had no clue, I couldn’t tell that she needed me, I couldn’t see the signs, I couldn’t hear her cry for help, and for attention. I didn’t see it so I blamed myself. She smiled and laughed everyday like she would normally do. If I had known somehow and if I had noticed the signs, it could have turned out differently.
The aftermath; I built up a wall around her when I was with her, I was very protective, and I had let her down. I bottled it all up and it got the best of me.
I had a girls night out and I had a little to much to drink. When I got home, my girlfriend hugged me and I just started crying. I was sobbing, crying as if there was no tomorrow, I couldn’t speak, and couldn’t tell her why I was crying. All I kept saying was, “I am sorry.” I kept apologizing and kept crying hysterically. At this point my boogers were all up on her and I had turned into a clown with black mascara down my cheeks.
I blamed myself for not knowing it, I blamed myself for it happening, I blamed myself and I cried many many many times. I kept asking myself if this and if that and if only I..so many ifs, but all were useless now. This feeling made me hate myself. ” It was my fault and I should have known.”
It took me a very long time to forgive myself. The process was difficult, emotional, long and painful. There will always be a piece of me that feels as if it was my fault. But I have learned to forgive myself and to not let it get the best of me. “I never want to feel like this again.” I surrounded myself with my family and close friends. I took time off from work to put myself back together. I cherished the moments I was given and It made me appreciate things more. I cried less and less as I shared my emotions with my loved ones and they reminded me that it wasn’t my fault.
For those who are wondering, my friend is doing well now and I make sure to make every moment count. I pay more attention and listen more. I believe that having a strong supportive team is a must on this emotional journey.
If you were ever in a situation similar to mine or if you ( I pray that you will never) get into one, know this;
It is not your fault and you do not control anyone else’s actions other than yourself. I know that blaming yourself is what we do when someone close to us has been hurt, but don’t. I know its hard. Surround yourself with positive people that will listen to you and will remind you that it is not your fault. Crying helps too, So cry. Don’t hold back your emotions. Let them out so you don’t just burst out crying like me. The healing process will not happen overnight. It will take time to forgive yourself. I promise you, it will get a lot better.